Angels & Demons (2009)

Robert Langdon gets introduced swimming laps, and it turns out he’s training for two hours of jogging between churches while reading statues out loud. That’s the whole engine. Find a clue carved into marble, lecture everyone nearby about it, sprint across Rome, repeat until midnight. The clues only make sense after Langdon says them, so you never solve anything, you just tag along on a fast walking tour. Tom Hanks plays him like a substitute teacher locked in a museum overnight, mildly annoyed and totally sure of himself. Ayelet Zurer spends most of her screen time reminding everyone how little time is left. Ewan McGregor is the best thing here, a young priest with sad eyes and one big speech to the cardinals that actually lands. Critics gave it 36% on Rotten Tomatoes, and it still pulled $485.9 million worldwide on a reported $150M. A 5.2 because it moves faster than The Da Vinci Code and still has nothing underneath. $15.89 says you try explaining a stained glass window to a friend this week and they wander off mid-sentence.

What works: Ewan McGregor brings real feeling to the camerlengo, and the race through Rome’s churches and archives keeps the pace brisk.

What doesn’t: The clues are unsolvable until Langdon explains them, so the mystery is just a guy narrating answers at a sprint.

Who it’s for: People who want a fast, pretty Rome travelogue with a ticking clock and don’t plan to check the logic.