A public service announcement

You saw a 4.7.
You thought "that's an F."
You were wrong.

School taught you 47% is a failing grade. Movies are not school. On the movie guru scale, 5 is the middle. A 4.7 is a perfectly watchable Tuesday night that you will not remember by Thursday. Most movies live within a point of 5. That's the whole point. If everything is an 8, nothing is.

01
The problem

Every site scores movies out of 10 and every site means something different by it. A 7 on IMDb is average. A 7 on Rotten Tomatoes doesn't exist. A 7 from your buddy means he liked the explosions. One number, no context.

02
Score-flation

Scales drift. Nobody wants to give a 3, so the floor creeps up until "6" means "bad" and "8" means "fine." movie guru refuses. The full 1 to 10 gets used, and the average stays pinned at 5 on purpose.

03
The fix

Ten bands, each with a plain-English meaning and what to do about it. Every review shows the score, the band, and where it sits on the ruler. Then the leaderboards rank everything against everything.

The movie guru scale: what every score means
10Rarefied AirOnce a decade. You'll tell people where you were when you saw it.Full Price, twice
9.0–9.9EliteSee it in a theater. Buy the Blu-ray you will never open.Full Price
8.0–8.9GreatBetter than almost everything. No regrets, no notes.Full Price
7.0–7.9Above AverageClearly good. Worth the trip if you like the genre.Matinee
6.0–6.9SolidA good time with no hangover. You'd recommend it with a shrug.Discount Tuesday
5.0–5.9AverageThe mathematical middle. Perfectly fine. Most movies live here and that is not an insult.Wait For Streaming
4.0–4.9Below AverageSomething's off. Watchable on a couch, not worth a drive.Wait For Streaming
3.0–3.9PoorFold laundry while it's on. You'll miss nothing.Netflix & Chillin'
2.0–2.9BadSomebody's dad still loves it. That's who it's for.Straight To DVD
1.0–1.9Rarefied Air (the other one)So bad it becomes a story. Bring friends and a drink.Bargain Bin
Right-hand column is the usual Ticket Scale pairing. movie guru can override it when a movie is way more fun in a full theater than the number suggests.
How to read a review
  • The TLDR The personality. movie guru's plot summary, written to be funny, direct and tongue in cheek. This is the part you came for.
  • The movie guru scale One number, 1 to 10, one decimal. It sits next to the TLDR with its band and a ruler showing where 5 is.
  • Ticket Scale What to do about it: Full Price, Matinee, Discount Tuesday, Wait For Streaming, or Wouldn't Pay Me.
  • Couch Scale How it holds up at home: Blockbuster, Rental, Netflix & Chillin', Straight To DVD, or Bargain Bin.
  • Everything else Real data. Cast, crew, release dates, box office and critic scores, pulled from public sources.
House rules
  • 5 is average, on purpose. If the running average drifts above 5.5 or below 4.5, movie guru re-centers. The scale bends so the number keeps meaning something.
  • The whole scale gets used. Ones and tens exist. They're rare, but they're real.
  • Scores are final. No rescoring after a movie becomes cool. The TLDR is written the night movie guru sees it.
  • Critics are context, not input. Rotten Tomatoes and IMDb numbers are shown on every review so you can disagree with all of us at once.
  • The leaderboard settles it. Top 8 of All Time is the eight highest scores, period. Ties go to the funnier TLDR.