Clash of the Titans (2010)

Early on, Perseus finds the golden mechanical owl from the original Clash of the Titans in a pile of gear, and somebody tells him to leave it. That’s the attitude of the whole remake: ditch the charm, keep the noise. Sam Worthington plays a demigod with a buzz cut and the emotional range of a garden statue. The gods stand around Olympus in armor so shiny it looks like chrome bathroom fixtures, while Liam Neeson’s Zeus and Ralph Fiennes’s Hades growl at each other like brothers fighting over a parking space. The quest is a string of errands: ride a giant scorpion, visit some witches, face Medusa, run. Mads Mikkelsen’s Draco is the only guy who looks like he trained for it. The Medusa fight in a crumbling temple is the one stretch with real tension. It made $493.2 million worldwide on a reported $125M budget. A 3.2 because the Kraken looks great and everything leading up to it is a chore. $30.57 says you announce that you’re releasing the Kraken the next time you let the dog out.

What works: The Kraken looks enormous and genuinely cool, and Mads Mikkelsen brings grit to a movie that badly needs some.

What doesn’t: Sam Worthington is a blank in the lead, the quest is a checklist of monster stops, and the gods look like a costume party.

Who it’s for: Kids who love Greek monsters, and grown-ups who want something loud on in the background on a lazy Sunday.