Crank (2006)

Crank is a video game where the only button is panic. Jason Statham plays a hitman with poison in his system, and the rule is simple: if his heart slows down, he’s done. So he picks fights, guzzles energy drinks, drives a car straight through a shopping mall and storms across Los Angeles in a hospital gown. The camera shakes, spins and zooms like it had a few of those drinks too. Statham is legit perfect for this, all clenched jaw and zero patience, and Dwight Yoakam steals his phone scenes as a very shady doctor. The problem is everything around Chev. Amy Smart’s Eve is written as a running gag, the villain is mostly a guy who yells into phones, and some of the humor is mean in a way that hasn’t aged well. It made $42.9 million worldwide on a reported $12M. A 5.7 because it’s 88 minutes of pure momentum with nothing underneath, and some nights that’s plenty. $1,772 says your smartwatch asks if you’re working out before the mall chase is over.

What works: Jason Statham commits completely to a ridiculous premise, and the nonstop pace makes 88 minutes fly by.

What doesn’t: Every character besides Chev is a cartoon, Eve exists mostly as a punchline, and some of the jokes have aged badly.

Who it’s for: Action fans who want a loud, silly Friday night ride and don’t need a single quiet moment to enjoy it.