Dark Shadows (2012)

A vampire climbs out of a coffin in 1972, spots a glowing McDonald’s sign and assumes it’s the devil. That’s the sharpest joke in Dark Shadows, and it comes early. After that, Tim Burton can’t decide if he’s spoofing a spooky soap opera or making one, and lands on neither. Johnny Depp’s stiff, courtly Barnabas is fun in small doses, mostly when the seventies baffle him. Eva Green’s Angelique is a witch with a grudge, a frozen smile and a fishing empire, and she makes every scene crackle. Michelle Pfeiffer brings real class, and Chloë Grace Moretz sulks with nothing to do until the finale throws a wild twist at her. That finale is a pile of effects with no feeling under it. It made $245.5 million worldwide on a reported $150M. A 4.3 because the cast is game and the movie has no idea what it wants to be. $9,456 says you plug in a lava lamp this year and stare at it like a man who just woke up from a very long nap.

What works: Eva Green is a blast as Angelique, Michelle Pfeiffer adds class, and Barnabas bumping into the seventies gets a few real laughs.

What doesn’t: It can’t pick between spoof and soap, so neither the jokes nor the drama land, and the effects-heavy finale has no feeling under it.

Who it’s for: Tim Burton completists and fans of spooky daytime soaps who want to see the old furniture again.