Fifty Shades of Grey (2015)

Every line in Fifty Shades of Grey comes out like it’s being read from a software license agreement, slowly, with long pauses for signatures. It’s sold as a sweeping romance, and it plays like a very long meeting with legal. Jamie Dornan stares and broods, and the script gives him nothing but stiff orders and cryptic warnings. Christian also turns up wherever Ana is without an invite, including a whole other state, and the movie treats that as swoony instead of a red flag. Dakota Johnson is the one reason to stick around. She plays Ana with a dry, nervous sense of humor, and the scene where she negotiates his contract across a boardroom table is the only time the movie gets its own joke. A helicopter ride and a glider ride look lovely and mean nothing. At 125 minutes, it drags. It still made $569.7 million worldwide. A 3.4 because Johnson tries, and almost nothing else does. $14.84 says the next terms and conditions pop-up you see, you scroll all the way down, sigh, and click agree anyway.

What works: Dakota Johnson brings real comic timing and warmth to Ana, and the film is handsomely shot, even when nothing much is happening.

What doesn’t: The dialogue is famously stiff, the lead pairing has little spark, and Christian’s controlling behavior is played as romantic.

Who it’s for: Book fans curious to see the story on screen, and anyone who enjoys laughing at very serious dialogue.