Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013)

Hansel got diabetes from the gingerbread house. That’s the big creative swing here, a fairy tale hero who needs insulin shots because a witch stuffed him with sweets as a kid, and it’s honestly the cleverest idea in the movie. The rest is crossbows, a Gatling gun and modern slang in an old German town, stitched together in 88 minutes that somehow still feel padded. Jeremy Renner looks like he’s waiting for his ride. Gemma Arterton is far more committed, charging through every fight like she read a better script. Famke Janssen hisses and snarls as the grand witch and gets buried under makeup. The best performance belongs to Edward, a giant troll played by a guy in an actual suit, who has kinder eyes than anyone else in the film. It made $226.3 million worldwide on a reported $50M, which is wild. A 3.6 because Arterton and the troll are fun and everything else is noise. $9,333 says you walk past a gingerbread house this December and quietly check that nobody’s home.

What works: Gemma Arterton commits fully, the insulin gag is a funny twist on the fairy tale, and Edward the troll is a great practical creation.

What doesn’t: Jeremy Renner looks checked out, the action is loud and repetitive, and the jokey modern tone never gets funnier than the premise.

Who it’s for: People who want a short, silly creature feature on a weeknight and don’t care if any of it makes sense.