Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)

These turtles have lips and nostrils now, and those faces are the first thing you notice and the last thing you forget. They’re also built like refrigerators. The origin story has Splinter learning martial arts from a book he found in the sewer, which explains a lot about the fight scenes. Shredder is a robot suit with blades sticking out everywhere, more kitchen appliance than ninja master. Megan Fox’s April gets the most screen time, which makes this an April O’Neil movie with turtle cameos. Two bits work. The brothers beatboxing in an elevator before a fight is the only time they feel like goofy teenagers, and a downhill chase on a snowy mountain is a blast. Will Arnett gets real laughs as a cameraman who can’t stop flirting. It made $485 million worldwide on a reported $125 to $150 million. A 3.3 because four great characters got stuck in a bad shell. $284 says you try beatboxing in the next elevator you ride and stop dead the second the doors open.

What works: The elevator beatbox scene, the snowy mountain chase, and Will Arnett’s flustered cameraman.

What doesn’t: The turtle designs are unsettling, Shredder is a pile of blades, and the human story crowds out the brothers.

Who it’s for: Kids who want loud action and pizza jokes, and parents who need something on while they fold laundry.