The Da Vinci Code (2006)

Quick confession: I’ve sat through shorter lectures in actual college, and those had snack breaks. The Da Vinci Code is 149 minutes of very smart people explaining paintings to each other in dim rooms, then running to a different dim room to explain more paintings. Tom Hanks plays Robert Langdon like a substitute teacher who got stuck with the field trip. Audrey Tautou is mostly asked to look worried in two languages. Ian McKellen is the only one having fun, and the movie wakes up every time he starts a sentence. The puzzle stuff should be a blast. Codes in the Louvre, a monk on a mission, secret societies. Instead it’s stiff, gray and weirdly sleepy for a chase movie. It still made $801 million worldwide, so clearly a lot of people wanted the book read to them. I’m giving it a 4.1 because the mystery is fun on paper and a homework assignment on screen. $3,904 says you pause it at least once to google whether any of this is real.

What works: Ian McKellen’s Teabing brings real mischief, and the Louvre-at-night opening has the creepy museum mood the rest of the movie keeps chasing.

What doesn’t: Most of the runtime is characters reading clues out loud to each other, and the chase scenes move like they’re also reading.

Who it’s for: Fans of the book who want to see the puzzles on screen, and anyone who likes museum trivia more than pacing.