The Expendables 2 (2012)

Vilain. That’s the actual name of Jean-Claude Van Damme’s bad guy in The Expendables 2, and it’s about all the thought the script puts into him. The movie knows you didn’t come for plot. Jet Li fights through the opening mission and then leaves the movie, which feels like a prank. Chuck Norris walks in, tells a Chuck Norris joke about himself, and walks back out. Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis trade each other’s catchphrases, then squeeze into a tiny smart car together, and it’s the funniest image in the movie. Stallone gets the grim speeches, Statham gets the jokes, and Statham wins. Liam Hemsworth gets most of the heart in the script, which isn’t saying much. Van Damme’s spinning kick finally gives the reunion some snap. It made $315.0 million worldwide on a reported $100M, and audiences gave it an A minus CinemaScore. A 5.4 because it’s a fun roll call with nothing underneath. $5,384 says you text your dad a ranking of every action hero in this cast and he argues about Dolph for an hour.

What works: The cameos are fan service done right, especially Chuck Norris roasting his own legend and Arnold and Willis swapping catchphrases. Van Damme brings real menace to his few big scenes.

What doesn’t: The plot is a generic grab-the-thing mission, the villain has no motive beyond money, and Jet Li disappears after the opening.

Who it’s for: Anyone who wore out 80s action tapes as a kid and wants all those heroes trading one-liners in the same room.