Van Helsing (2004)

Van Helsing has Dracula, three vampire brides, a werewolf, Mr. Hyde and Frankenstein’s monster, and not one of them is scary. Stephen Sommers emptied the monster basement into a blender and hit the button marked loud. Hugh Jackman, in a big hat and a long coat, looks cool and says every line like he’s reading it off a museum plaque. Richard Roxburgh plays Dracula like a guy who just learned he can walk on the ceiling and won’t stop showing everyone. The CGI has aged like a burned CD from 2004. The only person having fun on purpose is David Wenham as Carl, the gadget friar who refuses to be brave, and Shuler Hensley’s monster gets the one real feeling in the movie. It made $300.2 million worldwide on a reported budget of $160M to $170M. A 3.8 because one sad monster can’t hold up 131 minutes of shouting. $60.57 says you see a wide-brimmed hat like Jackman’s in a store this fall, try it on, and put it right back.

What works: David Wenham’s Carl is genuinely funny, and Shuler Hensley’s Frankenstein’s monster brings a gentle, sad streak the rest of the movie forgot to pack.

What doesn’t: The CGI has aged badly, the plot is a pile of monster cameos, and nothing ever feels dangerous because everything happens at full volume.

Who it’s for: Anyone who wants a loud Saturday afternoon monster mash and doesn’t need it to make a lick of sense.