Watchmen (2009)

Real talk before we start: I’ve watched Watchmen more times than I’ve actually enjoyed it. Zack Snyder copied the comic like a kid tracing a drawing, every panel lined up, every costume perfect, and somehow lost what the drawing was about. Everything is in slow motion, including scenes that were already slow. The song choices feel like someone made a playlist called Most Obvious Song Possible and hit shuffle. But the opening credits are a legit great short film, a whole fake history of masked heroes set to Bob Dylan. Jackie Earle Haley’s Rorschach is the reason to show up, gravel voice and all. Billy Crudup gives Dr. Manhattan a calm, sad strangeness, even while glowing blue. The violence is cranked way past what the story needs. Those 162 minutes are a lot to ask. A 6.3 because the parts that land really land, and the rest is a very expensive tracing. $44 says you try the Rorschach voice on your dog and your dog leaves the room.

What works: The opening credits montage is brilliant, Jackie Earle Haley nails Rorschach, and Billy Crudup makes Dr. Manhattan eerie and sad.

What doesn’t: Endless slow motion, on-the-nose song picks and violence cranked past what the story needs drag out an already long runtime.

Who it’s for: Comic fans who want to see the panels move, and anyone who likes superhero movies that are gloomy, long and very sure of themselves.